I can’t really think much these days. I’m overcome by ennui and when it’s not ennui it is just plain fear and sadness. Sometimes all I want to do is just go, I don’t know where, but to start running. Start running and keep running until the world makes sense or you don’t have to think about it anymore. I think I’ll keep the music loud so I can’t hear my thoughts.
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My daughter, Rachel, her friend, Stephen and I sat in on your oral exam at Augustine College. I have been watching your blog hoping you would summarize your year of study there. (It is amazing to me how little first hand information there is about the school. Does it even exist?) Rachel and Stephen are both considering applying soon. Would you recommend it? I perceive that you are suffering from mental exhaustion. The few hours we had to spend with you were of immense blessing to us. Also appreciated was your acumen and insight into the questions given at the exam. Something I read recently in Chesterton’s “Orthodoxy” was that in his generation when a man came face to face with humility (meaning his smallness in the world or a real sense of his original sin), it emboldened him to try harder, to be more diligent… to be better, but modern relativistic man when he faces humility responds with aimlessness. He said today’s “humility” is more of a nail in your shoe than a spur at your heel. I hope you soon find your spurs, Liam. You have been given a tremendous gift. You know that God has created you especially at this time and place in the universe for your good and His glory. Don’t bury your talents out of fear, fatigue or faithlessness as the man in Christ’s parable. What doth the Lord require of thee, but to to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)
One other thing has come to mind since I have been praying for you and that is the fact of the incarnation. Christ took on flesh and became man. Often our faith remains ethereal and relegated only to the mind, but this fleshly incarnation was a whole being experience. What his mind thought, his hands and feet made visible. Remember Gorey’s Neville who died of ennui? We are called to live by faith, in joy with expectation in this real and fleshy world. Rather than drowning out the ennui with loud music, maybe taking on the form of a servant would more refresh your soul (or a visit to Michigan?)
I’m working on taking the form of a servant. I’ve been pretty self indulgent lately. It is interesting because I’ve thought and talked so much about the reality of Christ’s existence being something that keeps me a Christian. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the fleshy existence though. Ennui, fear, and this constant sense that things aren’t working together for the good of anyone keep plaguing me.
I’ll be talking about the Augustine experience soon as an official blog. But know that it has been the single most important thing I’ve done yet. Both formatively, intellectually, and spiritually. I’m still working through aspects of the experience, and I will probably continue doing so for the rest of my life. That for me is why it is so important.
By the way, thanks for the prayer. It means a lot to know that others in the faith who are also a part of this earthly existence with all its struggles are concerned for me. The most beautiful aspect of the faith.