My friend Tom pulled a late nighter fueled by the energy drink Nos.  He posted a note describing his experience and then asked a series of questions highly relevant to current issues.  I decided to shed some light on these issues for him by answering those questions. As the Ninja says: Gauntlet thrown, Gauntlet picked up, and now I’m about to beat you over the head with Gauntlet.  Some of these answers might be obscure to the general public.  I apologize in advance for that.

Why does tap dancing exist?
Ask Wikipedia.

Who does Shaquile O’Neal look up to?
Ask Wikipedia.

Why is bowling fun?
There’s something satisfying about seeing the black ball knock down all the self righteous white pins. – Family Guy

Why did McDonald’s get rid of their pizza?
Ask Wikipedia.

How many times will Wendy’s bring back the bacon mushroom melt?
They will do it until they realize that mushrooms are gross. If I don’t want fungus between my toes I don’t want it in my stomach.

Do terrorists dream?
You dream during the REM cycle. REM is the most important part of sleep. If you don’t sleep you die. Terrorists (most of them) aren’t dead (yet). Therefore terrorists dream.

Do rodents think their lives are important?
Humans are the only beings who can look both to the past, the present, and the future in any meaningful way. Rodents do not have a concept of “I in this moment”, “I in the future” or “I after I am dead.” Therefore they don’t think their lives are important because they can’t think their lives are important. The most important thing a rodent can think is “what garbage can am I going to overturn next?”

Can tigers be Communist?
The terrorist group “Tamil tigers” subscribes to socialism, which is communism if you are a cold war American president. So the answer is yes.

Can you give a tip to whoever served you justice?
If it came with bacon, eggs, and bottomless coffee… yes.

Why does the letter ‘X’ exist?
To wear on your finger apparently.

Do you guys like potatoes?
Almost any way.

Who invented the muffin?
Ask wikipedia.